essays
This is a catch-all page for the various bits of writing I’ve done over the years that aren’t fiction and certainly aren’t technical writing.
Warning: Many of the writings on this page contain foul language, violent incidents, and content not suitable for children (or some adults for that matter). Send me angry email and I will forward it to all my friends to make fun of. You have been warned.
The Instructional Design of Recipes, by way of The Hand of Glory (part one)

A week or so back my friend Richard Kadrey posted this image to his Instagram: Family fun for the holidays: how to make a Hand of Glory. A photo posted by Richard Kadrey (@rkadrey) on Nov 19, 2015 at 9:23pm PST I grew up reading ghost stories and listening to cassette tapes of 1940’s horror […]
they’re heeeeeere

I wrote this bit in 2004 and every year on the day after Thanksgiving when I get stuck on my road for a while I remember and repost it. It’s become kind of a holiday tradition.
Snowblind
When there’s nothing else to write about, write about the weather.
The Cheese Stands Alone
And this book really sucks. No wonder corporate america is in trouble.
Evil Bushy-Tailed Invaders from Mars
If I don’t post anything here for a really long time (er, longer than usual, er, never mind) send help.
The Weed
The story of an evil monster of a plant we can’t seem to control. But ooh! such pretty flowers.
Drive
It was a perfect day, I was on the perfect road and I had the perfect car. I was doomed.
Valley of Heart’s Delight
I used to know a man in town who owned a cherry orchard.
Just Another Day at the Cafe
Two little snippets I wrote out in longhand. All this really happened.
Peep Nation
The Trunk
Some people have jewelry or photographs for family heirlooms. I have a trunk.
Tin Roof
We fixed the barn, then it rained, and I wrote about it. I’ve been doing a lot of this sort of meaningless painting with words recently.
Blackberry Season
Indulge me with a little arty stuff.
Bloodsucking Monsters
I’m told this story is “squicky.” It was pretty “squicky” living through it, too.
Lunacy in the Springtime
And you thought robins were nice quiet birds that just flit about on the lawn.
Thoughts on a Dark Starry Night
More art. I’m getting maudlin in my old age.
Fear and Loathing at the Santa Clara County Fair
So I grew up in the city, OK? I am culturally deprived of farm experiences.
The Giant Drill Bit
Shooting Stars
I went out to watch the Leonid meteor showers back in November. They were kinda cool.
Living in the Mountains
A couple of years ago Eric and I moved up into the mountains south of Silicon Valley. Someone on the net asked us how we were doing. I wrote this bit in response.
Consider the Source
When Mozilla, Netscape’s open-source browser, was first released, Salon asked me to do a “review” of the source code.
Thoughts on Turning 30
Remember that “wear sunscreen” thing that went around a few years back? I wrote this BEFORE THEN. Really.
Dust Gets in Your Eyes

Adventures getting injured on motorcycles in the dirt.
How To Start Your Own Silicon Valley Startup

My proudest moment: I had a comic strip in the New York Times. This is no mean feat, given that the New York Times doesn’t run comics. I only did the writing; Sue Truesdell did the art.
A Trip to Comdex
I signed books at Comdex in Las Vegas in 1996. Gawd, it was awful.
Seven Miles Per Hour
Treadmills are dangerous. I’m warning you.
A Trip to Boston
I was in Boston in 1995 for the W3C’s World Wide Web Conference. While I was there I ruminated on the weather and on crossing the street.
Not for Use by Small Animals

I don’t think my warranty covers this.
A Comparison Between Netscape 2.0 and Nitrous Oxide
On Having Weird Hair in New York
Well, that title just about sums it up.
The Angel of Death
Or it could just have been the Angel of Fashion, telling me that I wear too much black clothing. I don’t really know.
The Battle of the Bathtub Drain
When read in conjunction with the sewer story, below, you may wonder just what insult I gave to the god of plumbing in a previous life. I get about two emails a month from folks who tell me they googled drain unclogging solutions and found this page AND IT WORKED.
Death by Wasabi
Near Death on Muni
I went Christmas caroling and nearly didn’t come back.
Top Ten HTML Extensions that Didn’t Make it Into Netscape 0.9
Yes, that says .9. I wrote this way back in 1994 when .9 was released. Later I found out that the <hype> tag was actually added to Netscape as a joke (although it doesn’t appear to work any more, alas).
If after reading all the bits in this section it seems like I was picking on Netscape, well, that’s because I was. It was a minor hobby at the time. Now they’re owned by AOL and there’s just no fun in that.
The Sewer Incident
An adventure that began with a stopped up toilet…
The Oil Change
Laura changes the oil in her car. Yes, its more interesting than it sounds.
Why Startups Aren’t Gothic
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a goth, and I hung out on the newsgroup alt.gothic. One of the ongoing irritations on that group was the perennial question, “is X gothic.” A friend of mine asked, “Are startups gothic,” and this was my reply. I wrote it just before I quit my job and ran screaming from the misery and pain it was causing me.
This piece also explains why there is nothing here for 1993.
How to Live with a Neurotic Motorcycle
Probably won’t make much sense to you if you aren’t into bikes. I had a really poorly tuned 1975 Honda that inspired this bit of nonsense.
Help! I’ve Been Dilated!
Strange things happen at the eye doctors.
Videodrone
I was momentarily addicted to a Sega Game Gear.
Fun with Macintoshes
Fun with OLD Macintoshes, that is. You’ll have to picture an eighties-era MacPlus in order to understand this.
Cats and Vets and Shots
Who doesn’t like a good cat story? Especially one that involves torture?
Cable Television, a Rant
Several moves ago, I had a small run-in with the local cable company.
Always Read Your Radio
Most people who do something this stupid wouldn’t admit it in public. I write about it for the amusement of everyone who visits my web site.