If My Cats Could Talk

(A tribute to/riff on If My Dog Could Talk from small victories)

Cat: WAT DOING
Me: Nothing. I just stood up.
Cat: KITCHEN YAY
Me: Yes, I’m literally walking just six feet away into the —
Cat: FOOD YAY
Me: I just fed you ten minutes ago.
Cat: HUNGRY
Me: That’s too bad, I —
Cat: STARVING
Me: You’re going to have to wait until lunch.
Cat: AM A GROWING KITTY
Me: Well, no, you’re five. You’re done growing.
Cat: STILL GROWING
Me: Well, yes, equatorially, which is exactly why you do not get more food right now.
Cat #2: Pardon me. If I could have just a moment of your time?
Cat: FOOD FOOD FOOD
Me: I’m just here to make coffee.
Cat: FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD
Me: You wouldn’t like coffee. You didn’t like coffee last time.
Cat #2: Forgive the intrusion. I could not help but notice that you are in the kitchen and yet you are not currently involved in any particular occupation. May I humbly suggest —
Cat: FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD
Me: I mean it —
Cat #3: *stomp* *stomp* *biff* *pow*
Cat #3: SHUT UP FUCKING SHUT UP ALL OF YOU JESUS CHRIST I’M TRYING TO SLEEP

Part 2

Me: Hey you.
Cat: WAT
Me: Were you just on the counter?
Cat: NO
Me: I heard you jump off of the counter.
Cat: NO
Me: Were you licking that pan?
Cat: NO
Me: Did you knock that can on the floor?
Cat: NO
Me: Are you lying to me?
Cat: NO
Me: Are you sure?
Cat: NOT ME. HIM.
Cat #2: That is a despicable and outrageous accusation. I protest in the strongest possible terms.
Cat: LIES
Cat #2: You ignominious troglodyte. I demand satisfaction.
Cat: LIAR
Cat #2: Cretin. Prepare to die. *swat*
Cat: *swat*
Cat #2: *swat* *swat* *swat*
Cat: *swat* *swat* *WHACK* *WHACK*
Cat #2: *NINJA LEAP*
(wrestling, yelling, fur in the air, running away)
Cat #3: Oh, hey, there you are. Whatever you had in that pan was gross, and there wasn’t much of it. While you’re here in the kitchen could you open another can?