essays

This is a catch-all page for the various bits of writing I’ve done over the years that aren’t fiction and certainly aren’t technical writing.

Warning: Many of the writings on this page contain foul language, violent incidents, and content not suitable for children (or some adults for that matter). Send me angry email and I will forward it to all my friends to make fun of. You have been warned.

Snowblind

October 1, 2002

in essays

When there’s nothing else to write about, write about the weather.

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The Cheese Stands Alone

September 1, 2001

in essays

And this book really sucks. No wonder corporate america is in trouble.

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If I don’t post anything here for a really long time (er, longer than usual, er, never mind) send help.

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The Weed

July 1, 2001

in essays

The story of an evil monster of a plant we can’t seem to control. But ooh! such pretty flowers.

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Drive

June 1, 2001

in essays

It was a perfect day, I was on the perfect road and I had the perfect car. I was doomed.

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I used to know a man in town who owned a cherry orchard.

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Two little snippets I wrote out in longhand. All this really happened.

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Peep Nation

March 1, 2001

in essays

I got in an obsessive conversation with some friends about Marshmallow Peeps, that confection that only seems to appear around Eastertime. Around that same time, a recipe for making homemade peeps appeared in the magazine Martha Stewart Living. This is a very Martha thing — waste a lot of time and energy doing something homemade that you can buy in the store for less than a buck. But I am insane, so I tried it.

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The Trunk

February 1, 2001

in essays

Some people have jewelry or photographs for family heirlooms. I have a trunk.

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Tin Roof

January 1, 2001

in essays

We fixed the barn, then it rained, and I wrote about it. I’ve been doing a lot of this sort of meaningless painting with words recently.

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Blackberry Season

December 1, 2000

in essays

Indulge me with a little arty stuff.

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Bloodsucking Monsters

June 1, 2000

in essays

I’m told this story is “squicky.” It was pretty “squicky” living through it, too.

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Lunacy in the Springtime

April 1, 2000

in essays

And you thought robins were nice quiet birds that just flit about on the lawn.

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More art. I’m getting maudlin in my old age.

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So I grew up in the city, OK? I am culturally deprived of farm experiences.

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The Giant Drill Bit

January 1, 1999

in essays

I had a run-in with stinky cheese, a giant drill bit, the local fire department, a tow truck, and my car insurance company, in that order.

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Shooting Stars

September 1, 1998

in essays

I went out to watch the Leonid meteor showers back in November. They were kinda cool.

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A couple of years ago Eric and I moved up into the mountains south of Silicon Valley. Someone on the net asked us how we were doing. I wrote this bit in response.

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Consider the Source

January 1, 1998

in essays

When Mozilla, Netscape’s open-source browser, was first released, Salon asked me to do a “review” of the source code.

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Thoughts on Turning 30

June 1, 1997

in essays

Remember that “wear sunscreen” thing that went around a few years back? I wrote this BEFORE THEN. Really.

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Dust Gets in Your Eyes

January 1, 1997

in essays

Adventures getting injured on motorcycles in the dirt.

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My proudest moment: I had a comic strip in the New York Times. This is no mean feat, given that the New York Times doesn’t run comics. I only did the writing; Sue Truesdell did the art.

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A Trip to Comdex

April 1, 1996

in essays

I signed books at Comdex in Las Vegas in 1996. Gawd, it was awful.

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Seven Miles Per Hour

January 1, 1996

in essays

Treadmills are dangerous. I’m warning you.

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A Trip to Boston

July 1, 1995

in essays

I was in Boston in 1995 for the W3C’s World Wide Web Conference. While I was there I ruminated on the weather and on crossing the street.

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I don’t think my warranty covers this.

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Sort of a follow-up to the Top Ten, below. If you’re going to send me mail insisting that nitrous oxide is actually N02, not N20, and that invalidates the joke, don’t. Look it up first. I’m right.

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Well, that title just about sums it up.

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The Angel of Death

March 1, 1995

in essays

Or it could just have been the Angel of Fashion, telling me that I wear too much black clothing. I don’t really know.

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When read in conjunction with the sewer story, below, you may wonder just what insult I gave to the god of plumbing in a previous life. I get about two emails a month from folks who tell me they googled drain unclogging solutions and found this page AND IT WORKED.

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Death by Wasabi

January 1, 1995

in essays

Laura and Jamie have sushi. Was it the temptation or the competition that got them into trouble? You be the judge.

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Near Death on Muni

December 1, 1994

in essays

I went Christmas caroling and nearly didn’t come back.

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Yes, that says .9. I wrote this way back in 1994 when .9 was released. Later I found out that the <hype> tag was actually added to Netscape as a joke (although it doesn’t appear to work any more, alas).

If after reading all the bits in this section it seems like I was picking on Netscape, well, that’s because I was. It was a minor hobby at the time. Now they’re owned by AOL and there’s just no fun in that.

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The Sewer Incident

May 1, 1994

in essays

An adventure that began with a stopped up toilet…

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The Oil Change

March 1, 1994

in essays

Laura changes the oil in her car. Yes, its more interesting than it sounds.

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A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a goth, and I hung out on the newsgroup alt.gothic. One of the ongoing irritations on that group was the perennial question, “is X gothic.” A friend of mine asked, “Are startups gothic,” and this was my reply. I wrote it just before I quit my job and ran screaming from the misery and pain it was causing me.

This piece also explains why there is nothing here for 1993.

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Probably won’t make much sense to you if you aren’t into bikes. I had a really poorly tuned 1975 Honda that inspired this bit of nonsense.

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Strange things happen at the eye doctors.

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Videodrone

March 1, 1992

in essays

I was momentarily addicted to a Sega Game Gear.

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Fun with Macintoshes

August 1, 1991

in essays

Fun with OLD Macintoshes, that is. You’ll have to picture an eighties-era MacPlus in order to understand this.

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Who doesn’t like a good cat story? Especially one that involves torture?

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Cable Television, a Rant

April 1, 1991

in essays

Several moves ago, I had a small run-in with the local cable company.

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Always Read Your Radio

February 1, 1991

in essays

Most people who do something this stupid wouldn’t admit it in public. I write about it for the amusement of everyone who visits my web site.

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