subsection 4.5.92(b): proper consumption of smarties


Note: the following procedure refers only to the consumption of Smarties(tm) brand citric-acid based candies available in the continental United States. For information about the consumption of Smarties(tm) brand chocolate-based candies available in the UK and Canada, refer to subsection 4.3.2(a), Proper Consumption of M&Ms.

1. Shuck the Smarties.

Regardless of the total number of Smarty rolls to be consumed, all individual Smarties must be removed from their respective wrappers and piled up on a flat surface. Shucking and collecting Smarties ensures even distribution of flavors across rolls.

2. Spread out the Smarties.

After piling up the Smarties, spread them out into a single layer so that all flavors and colors are visible. A single layer enables the smarties to be properly sorted.

3. Pick out and eat the pink ones.

Ideally, each individual Smarty should be nibbled around the edges until both sides of the Smartie are flat (rather than concave). Then the Smarty itself can be squared off, octagonned, rounded again, and eventually reduced to zero. If you’re pressed for time, this step can be skipped.

4. Pick out and eat the orange ones.

5. Pick out and eat the yellow ones.

6. Pick out and eat the green ones.

7. Pick out and eat the purple ones.

8. Eat the white ones.

One could make the eating process more efficient by sorting the Smarties into piles by color after shucking them from the wrapper. But that would be obsessive.

10 thoughts on “subsection 4.5.92(b): proper consumption of smarties

  1. I just eat them as they come, but I do chew the ridge off of every single one and then eat the little flat disc that’s left.

  2. What about shucking the smarties straight from the package to your mouth? Too low class?

  3. No, you’ve got it all wrong, you have to go from lightest to darkest. Whites are the first ones you eat. Purple comes last. I also only eat 1 roll at a time.

  4. Greetings Rands readers!

    @Bill: I think they taste better when you nibble all around the edges like that.

    @sandrift: Interesting; I eat Sweet Tarts out of the roll one at a time, no shucking or sorting necessary, and yet a Sweet Tart is bears a strong internal resemblance to a Smarty. I think the difference must be because A. Sweet Tarts are difficult to nibble, and B. I’m not sure that despite the different colors that Sweet Tarts actually have flavors (other than, you know, sweet and tart). Lack of flavor would not preclude obsessive behavior, however. Obviously I must do further research. Lots and lots of further research.

    @Danno: There’s no adventure in that.

    @Chris: Pervert.

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